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A man at a rest stop once said something truly horrible to me. However he quickly followed it up with one of the most sincere "sorry"s I’ve ever been on the end of. It happened at a roadside stop some time back. I had just parked at the pump. Noticing me, he knocked on the car window, and as I rolled it down he leaned inside and said something vile. It may have passed for joking, perhaps, but it was nonetheless disgusting. My two young children were in the backseat, looking confused bafflement. Distressed more than furious, I stepped out, filled up and entered the shop, only to find him standing near the car as I came back. He put his hand on my upper back and stated, “I’m sorry pal. I had no idea you had your kids in the car. I'm truly sorry about that.” There was something about those closing words which made the difference, in some way providing just the right amount of emphasis.

The Study on Expressing Regret

The memory wasn’t pleasant to have the event brought up this week when I learned of a research paper, published by the British Psychological Society, on how the number of letters of the words you use when you make an apology are crucial in expressing your sincerity. Saying sorry always fascinate me because, from my perspective, without contrition on one side and forgiveness on the other, society suffers.

During my youth I had a science teacher who talked about the concept of rotting. He mentioned if leaves didn’t break down, we’d be knee-deep in them. I feel the same about apologies – if they’re not made and acknowledged, we could end up up to our armpits in negativity. Accordingly, I’m one of those people whose anger and letdown about something a person’s actions will typically fade the moment an apology is offered. I don’t know whether this makes me a forgiving individual, or somewhat shallow. Conversely, if I’m the one saying sorry, and the apology isn’t accepted, I get quite angry and disappointed indeed, which isn’t fair either.

Bigger Vocabulary and Honesty

The paper, which focused on written rather than oral sorries, determines that people who use more elaborate terms in their apologies are tend to communicate truthfulness. So, saying you’re “truly” sorry is preferable than “really” sorry. Apparently the “additional mental work” required in saying those two extra syllables may produce a small impact. By this measure, the people of France are far advanced of us. They genuinely put effort into their regrets. Considering that the French for a straightforward “I am sorry” is something as dramatic and somewhat elegant as “I am desolate”, you wonder where they go from there. What do you say if you feel more than just sorry about the thing you’re saying sorry for? A friend of mine in the French capital mentioned he’d go for “Please receive my heartfelt regrets”, meaning, “I implore you to accept my heartfelt "sorry"s”. This represents what I call a verbal endeavor. Very well, anyway, calm down, all is well, don’t worry.

Brevity Works

Be it in person or in writing, for me less is more. Just “sorry” will suffice. “My apologies”, if you must. And alright, if you’ve really done me over you can throw in a truly, a genuinely, or even an abjectly. Beyond that and I’ll start to suspect you have wronged me more badly than I realised.

Let me add that, similar to the majority of research studies, a great deal of the terminology in which this one is written is rather beyond me. To illustrate, something called a term meaning resemblance is mentioned repeatedly. I own a book with a large number of words explained in my lexicon, and that particular term is not included. Still, I persevered regardless and trust I’ve understood the main idea the paper over accurately. In case I erred, maybe Shiri Lev-Ari, expert in thought processes at Royal Holloway, University of London, could reach out so I can apologise to her at however elaborate she wishes.